In recent years, many psychologists, coaches, and therapists have claimed that forgiveness means being strong. But then why does it sometimes feel like betraying yourself? Especially if you feel that you’re forgiving not because it comes from the heart, but because you fear losing someone, fear judgment from others, or simply no longer want to argue and fight. It seems like there’s a choice between preserving relationships and remaining true to yourself. So, where is that line beyond which forgiveness turns into self-denial?
Why is forgiveness so difficult?
When it comes to self-help, forgiveness is often described as a universal remedy: forgive, and feel relief. But in reality, it’s much more complex. Forgiveness isn’t always a gesture for another person. Sometimes it’s necessary for you to stop returning to the pain stuck inside and to free yourself from the endless internal dialogue where resentment or guilt keeps resurfacing.
But if, after forgiveness, there remains a feeling of injustice or shame, this is a warning sign. Perhaps you haven’t so much forgiven as tried to suppress your pain, just to maintain external calm and avoid a rupture. Such “forgiveness” can result in inner emptiness and loss of self-trust. Therefore, it’s important to learn to distinguish where sincerity ends and where the refusal to hear your feelings begins.
How does forgiveness differ from self-betrayal?
Self-betrayal begins at exactly the moment when you detach from your inner voice, and your sensations, and simply stop hearing yourself. This can happen gradually and therefore unnoticeably. First, you agree to something uncomfortable, and then you start justifying others’ behavior while ignoring your internal discomfort. And later, as a result, when your boundaries are violated and you try not to notice it to avoid spoiling relationships, this is already a serious signal that should be perceived as a warning sign that you’re moving further away from being in contact with yourself.
Sometimes we focus on quick solutions—for example, reading about how long does a dopamine detox takes, hoping that such a “reset” will relieve internal tension. Or, let’s say, suddenly deciding to go on vacation, thinking that a change of scenery will solve everything. But in reality, it’s important to understand: why do I so often doubt my reactions? What prevents me from hearing myself, and why do I repeatedly orient myself toward others’ expectations rather than my feelings? Emotional tension, chronic suppression of anger, anxiety, or pain can accumulate for years.
When your feelings are devalued, and you continue to “be understanding,” you’re essentially putting yourself last on your priority list. This slowly undermines self-esteem and eventually leads to a feeling of inner emptiness. For example, you agree to stay late at work even though you’re already exhausted, simply because you don’t want to let the team down. Or you tolerate awkward comments from a close person, deciding that “it’s not important” to avoid an extra conversation. Some may perceive these as trivial or insignificant, but over time, such behavior forms a habit of pushing yourself to the back burner.
Here are several more warning signs that deserve more attention:
- You say “yes” when internally it’s “no.” For example, you accommodate others, even though in your mind you’re thinking about how badly you want to rest.
- You’re afraid to express anger because you fear being abandoned. For example, you suppress irritation when a friend is late for a meeting without warning for the third time in a row. And to avoid spoiling the mood or causing tension, you choose to remain silent.
- You forgive again and again, although the behavior doesn’t change. For example, your partner regularly breaks agreements, and you turn a blind eye each time out of fear of ending up alone.
Is it possible to forgive and maintain boundaries?
Forgiveness doesn’t always have to mean returning to the former closeness or continuing relationships at any cost. Sometimes it’s possible — but only if you first ask yourself honest questions:
- What am I forgiving — an action, an incident, or everything at once?
- Does the person’s behavior change in any way after the conflict?
- Am I using forgiveness to avoid conflict?
Sometimes we rush to forgive to restore a sense of “normalcy” in relationships. We think that if we “forget” the conflict as soon as possible and don’t speak about the hurt out loud, everything will return to normal. But most often, this gesture masks anxiety, fatigue, or fear of rejection. In such cases, it’s not forgiveness, but a form of self-denial.
Forgiveness that maintains boundaries looks completely different. And it’s not necessarily reconciliation or forgetting what happened. Sometimes it can be a decision to let go of the situation, but not return to the same situation that caused pain or tension. This is a mature choice based on self-respect and understanding of your boundaries. And it’s not weakness — it’s inner strength.
How not to lose yourself in relationships?
Sometimes we think that we forgive consciously and maturely, but in reality, it’s driven by anxiety—what if I set boundaries and get rejected? This is especially pronounced in those who didn’t feel stable emotional support in childhood and often felt that love had to be earned through convenience, obedience, or the habit of constantly postponing their desires and needs for the comfort and peace of others.
But in such moments, it’s important to return to yourself, not in a global sense, but literally, by asking yourself simple but honest questions:
- What am I feeling right now?
- What do I want from this relationship?
- What am I investing in, and what am I getting in return?
This isn’t about selfishness. It’s about not losing your inner foundation. Otherwise, forgiveness becomes an automatic reaction rather than a conscious decision. And then there’s a high probability that you’ll once again find yourself in the role of someone who habitually puts others’ desires and comfort above your own needs.
Staying in relationships while not losing yourself is possible. But only if there’s clarity within: what am I ready for, and what—not anymore.
What to do if you are not ready to forgive?
Not forgiving is also normal, especially if it’s about preserving yourself, your boundaries, and respect for your feelings. Sometimes the unwillingness to forgive is a form of self-protection. And it deserves respect. You can be kind while not giving a second chance. You can let go of resentment but choose to maintain distance. The main thing is not to suppress your emotions while trying to be good and convenient for others.
The healthy path to forgiveness lies through accepting all feelings, including anger, disappointment, and even the desire for revenge. Only when we allow ourselves to honestly experience anger, pain, and disappointment do we understand how to move forward calmly, gently with ourselves, without guilt and internal pressure.
Conclusion
Forgiveness is a choice. But for it to be conscious, you need to first hear yourself. Not every act of forgiveness makes us better. Sometimes real growth begins with an honest admission: “I cannot forgive. Not yet.” And there is no weakness in this; there is the courage to be honest and in harmony with yourself.
